Loses

     Let me relate something that happened the other day.

     Yesterday and the day before were kinda ugly. Saturday started OK. I got over to the house to work on Lauren's room. I started doing my work, but after a minute I realized I needed to  go to the store for something. The bike died on the way.

     Trying to explain why the bike was not working is never an easy task. They do not accept it is not working and need details that are beyond my ability to explain. When I get into the technical stuff they get lost, maybe because I am not really sure what the real issue is. LOL.

     I went back to work on the basement. I accomplished a good bit of work down there. Yey! But the bike was still disabled.

     On Sunday morning I went back to the bike to get it going. I did a little research on the problem and felt confidant. Confidence like arrogance, in this case anyhow, is a false sense if security.

     The issues were more then a street side fix could deal with, so I began to make arrangements to get the bike to the house. It was time to get back to work on the basement. Five hours later I was tired and ready to go home. However, I needed to sit with the 'rents and talk a minute. Or I thought I should.

     We talked about the project. Then the issue of what to do about the bike came up.












     I will not quote the conversation here, but suffice it to say that I explained the situation clearly and what steps I planned to remedy it...Three times.

     After the fourth time I explained what was going to happen, I got the question, "Who is your daughters' boy friend?" I had hoped he could help me to move the bike to a safe place.

     I was too tired to suppress my frustration. I explained, one more time, the details of the problem and what I planned to do about it. Unfortunately my frustration came through and everyone on the room felt it.

     Now I feel really badly about my outburst.

     On the way home that night, I tried to deconstruct my feelings as inadequacy. Boy are there so many.

     I love my mother and have always admired her intelligence and her focus. To see her age  is difficult. Yet perhaps what I am seeing is the culmination of her lifelong tendency to question everything.

     She has always asked insightful questions, most of the time they could lead to a way of seeing an issue from a different point of view. Now however, her need to look out side-of-the box was getting in the way of her life.

     More importantly though, was my reaction to her need for detail. Even though I had given all of the data several times, she could not hold it in her fragile, yet fruitful brain.

     I lost my cool and took out some of my frustration on her. For this I feel tremendous guilt. But I took to it another level. Why did I react so strongly to her repeated questions?

      Well one reason was having to repeat the same info several times. There is no doubt that it is difficult to have to go back and reiterate the some information many times, especially when one has taken care to give every bit of information the first several times.

     There was more to it than that though. Fear. Fear of loosing her. And fear of my inability to rise above my petty weakness and weariness and inability to truly understand what this wonderful woman is going through.

     I cannot even imagine how she is dealing with her mental decline. For sure, she knows her ability to think things through is lessening. I have not ever been a mental giant, but to feel what little mental ability I have slip through my fingers never to be scooped up again from the beach of life, is a daunting thought, to say the least.

olc

Mom's Journey

Wow, I have been focusing my energies on this new project recently and completely ignoring ones which were already going on!

As you know, because you the reader are so loyal to this blog, I have been working on a new blog centered around the Greenhouse Moto Cafe, go on over and have a look. Also, my mother took a fall awhile ago and had to spend a long time at Stone Creek Rehab.

She is a tough old bird, I only hope I am as strong as her when I get there. When she was admitted to Stone Creek, she was awake and could hold a conversation. However, we all knew something was not quite right with her ability to think a thought through to its logical end. Also physically, the bruise on her left temple was still pretty profound and her left arm and shoulder were and are still incredibly weak.

When Mom was released from Stone Creek, both her and Dad were emotionally ready for it. I wonder if their need to "get home where she belongs," may have been premature from a physical therapy point of view. She is so weak.

At any rate though, she is at home and seems to be happier. Their church community brings dinner over for the next little bit, thus letting the two of them get settled into a routine. And there are lots of people coming and going, trying to establish a health program to help maintain Mom's (wait for it!)...Health! 

However, Mom and Dad want to live a quiet life with little distraction. For the moment though, this is not happening.

Dad and I talked a little about his concerns. If the conversation had a title it would have been, Concerns of the Primary Care Giver. Mostly I think, he just needed to let off some steam. He let me know that the invasion of their house was taking a toll on him. I could see it on his face, feel it in his body. After we had talked it through some, a light bulb lit over my head.

The truth is, I was not sure if he just needed to vent, or if he was looking for solutions for his angst. Being a fixer, I took a leap and tried to help him to ease into the new life style they are shifting into. Dad has a number of concerns which he mentioned, but the most important seemed to be the constant, almost revolving door-like, flow of new people who need to come in and help Mom. The perceived demands of the care-givers; when could they come by and help; the fact that these care-givers were giving both Mom and Dad directions on how to live and so forth, was taking a severe  toll on Dad.

After some more conversation, I realized that maybe they needed one day off from the physical therapy, the constant visits from car-givers, the woman, Carol is her name, who is helping Mom with her day to day routine and so forth. They need a day off from it all. They need some predictability in their daily life. I suggested they tell the world that Thursday would be their day, no appointments, no visits, no nothing.

I'm hoping Dad will be able to enforce this.

I wish I was able to say all is well in House Turner. There have been some profound changes in their life, ones which will forever impact them and their style of life. Mom is weaker than I have ever seen her. And Dad will have to learn how to compensate. Saying that, Dad is not 70 any more and is beginning to feel the limitations of nearly 90 years of living on this Earth. It is hard for them to accept help from anyone. After all, they have been doing fine over these many years, right?

I will play my role, as will Martha, and assist in every way I can.

I love you Mom and respect your fortitude. Dad, your quiet strength is so understated that sometimes we just accept it without understanding the toll it takes on you.


olc