Thoughts and Concerns

For the most part I have kept these posts positive yet the realistic. Yesterday though, I had a back-of-the-head slap from reality.

In truth, my mother is a strong woman, some might say headstrong and she is doing well in her physical recovery. We all are grateful for this. However, she seems to be lonely at Stone Creek. I guess I can understand her emotional state, after all she is used to having Dad around all of the time---at home. Now though, he can only be there a few hours at a time a couple times a day.

The rest of the time she is alone, or doing PT, or doing crosswords puzzles, or watching T.V., or whatever.

I have made an effort to stop by every day for a few minutes. I wish I could do more. However, my daughter, The Runtyun, needs me too. And my job is intruding on our time together.

Mom has had a string of visitors, but they can only visit for a moment. One can only guess at the void that is left when they leave---only to be filled with silence and the sounds of the facility for company.

olc

A bloggers lament

I have been writing on various blogs which I have created for a few years now. I enjoy writing, it helps to sort my disheveled mind. Generating ideas and finding ways to articulate those ideas in an orderly manner is fun. I gain a kind of satisfaction when I hit the publish key.

As much fun as writing and then posting is, a writer this writer anyhow, needs to have readers and feed back. I'm not getting any from any one. So I have to ask myself a couple of questions. Number one, Why? Why aren't people following me and Why am I not getting any comments. 

To get some kind of answer, I sat back and thought for a bit ( you should have seen the smoke pouring  out of my ears). Maybe I am not writing about things others find interesting. Maybe I'm not writing in an interesting way. Or maybe my writing is not getting to a large enough audience.

I don't know, I just wish I had some followers.

olc

And now for something a little different. My experience at the VA

I guess you could say it all started out back in the days of my youth. I thought that if I went into the Navy my life would magically be come better. 

Well, it has taken a few years, but that wish may have finally come true. Maybe a better start to this story would be with Obama care and the fact that everyone should get insurance. Well, I fell into the hole between getting subsidized insurance and anything else. You gotta love North Carolina!

At any rate, the VA stepped up and is giving me some health care! Yay! I filled out some forms and they called me and said I was good to go. All I had to do was show up and we could get started. 

I got there at 8 A.M. for an 8:30 appointment. I did the things they told me to and expected to have everything take a whole bunch of time. My nurse was calling my name at precisely 8:30. She was professional and very friendly and helpful. She had her things to do and say before I got to see the doctor, who was just was as accommodating.

I gotta say the layout of the building was a little difficult to figure out, but I think in the future my site memory will help me to get to the places I need to go. The idea of naming hallways like streets seemed a little funky, but the labels may help those like me to remember directions later.

I was given 3 different assignments, one to get blood work done, another for a couple of X-rays the last was for an EKG. All of the departments were ready for me when I arrived. While the wait for the blood work was a little longer than I wanted, they were pushing patients through at break neck speed---so many people ahead of me.

The other two places had a wait list of less then 5 minutes, not even enough time to pull out my iPhone to check out what was going on outside. Actually, that was just as well, because WIFI and Internet seemed to be nonexistent throughout.

While I waiting for the EKG, I received a call from another doctor at the VA who was notified by my main Doctor that I should have an appointment. We made arrangements for an hour from then.

This one was the longest appt. of all. Four hours after it started, we finally finished. I thought maybe I had done something wrong because it seemed like this guy was trying to execute me. At first he was prodding me with something like a stun gun and when that did not work he started injecting me with needles! Actually, he was trying to track some nerve system issues.Yep, I got them all right. 

Now because I went to these guys, I know about these issues. And now I have a team of medical people out there to help me find ways to fix them.

At the age of 18, I did not think about health care and how to take care of myself when I turned 50 and later. In all honesty, I was not thinking, yet that decision was prescient. The fact that our government has seen fit to create the Veteran's Administration to take care of those who were willing to die for our country may be one of the most telling and profound reasons to be an American.

olc

The road ahead

How does one put the thoughts and concerns screaming through the mind of a son whose mother is ending her run in this world? Whether it comes sooner or years down the road of life, we have seen the tunnel which we all must travel through.

During the travels which we go through in life there are many roads we follow, most of the time we know the direction to go. Other times the road ahead is under construction, or when we least expect it, it is in total destruction. Most of the time, we have control, we know where we are going and can control the outcome of the latest adventure and even the one ahead.

Sometimes though, life throws a blind curve at us, one which even though we should have seen coming at us, totally throws us out of  the lane we were traveling. We careen around trying to regain control, over steering and sometimes loosing control of our path. Sometimes we totally loose our way. This is when Family comes in to save the day, to help us regain control.

It is time now for our family to ride in like the Calvary, and help my Mother out of the trench she has fallen into. After all, she has done the same for her family countless times. We have all done our best to help and support her during her detour. We have done the natural thing and tried to minimise the trauma of her accident, to make it understandable. 

Now it is time to understand the severity of this course change.

olc

Monday's Musings

Now it is Saturday and Mom has had a night at her new, for the moment, home. Truthfully, she was still a little hazy about what was going on.

When the Runtyun and I arrived at Stone Creek, on Friday, we found her room and made our way to it. Guess what she was doing. Yup, trying to get out of bed! Can you say "stubborn?"

We got her settled and talked a while. She seemed to like her new digs. About that time, Dad arrived and we all had a nice conversation. 

Saturday rolled around, and again the Kid and I visited. The previous night seemed to go well for her. She was dressed and sitting up in her chair looking so pretty.

We decided to go for a little stroll. Stone Creek has a little protected area, a courtyard, outside where people can go to get some air. Mom and I explored, while the Runtyun stared at her phone. Mom seemed to soak in the fresh air and sun. There were moments of silence and I wondered what Mom was thinking about. Whatever it was, she had a slight smile. Me? You ask---I was wondering about the future, our future both near and distant.

Finally, we decided to go back inside and look around a little. We followed the corridor and found the dining room and a menu for dinner. Mom did not want to have a hamburger for supper. It turns out there was an alternative which worked better for her.

Back at her room, Mom was a little confused. She thought her room had changed. The Runtyun and I reassured her everything was OK. Finally, we got her settled on her bed.

We talked a little more and finally it was time for us to leave.

Sunday came around and I was home at my computer trying to edit a couple of photos to post when I got a call from Dad saying that Mom's bed had some kind of malfunction and she was worried for her safety.

The Runtyun and I arrived to find Mom all dressed and seated in her wheeled thrown. All was well in the world again. It runs out a bolt had worked its way out and the whole bed was tilting. This happened in the middle of the night. When it was fixed I commented that now she would not be sleeping with her feet hanging over the abyss. This elicited a smile.

Dad had brought a figurine of the terra-cotta cat I gaven her last year---a nice touch to make the room more comfortable.

Somehow, the conversation got around what happened and why she was not at home. Oh, how she wanted to be at home. She started to talk about it a little, but I could tell she was merely putting words out, so I explained what had happened and how she had fallen and hit her head. I went into detail explaining each day at the hospital and how she had ended up here.

The look of relief was profound and she finally had a little understanding of her circumstances. It occurred to me that no one had really explained to her what was going on. Maybe, they had at some point, but she may have been unable to process the details, I am not sure.

Here is a photo from my iPhone.

I went by today to see her. Both Dad and Mom had just finished dinner and they both seemed happy with life. Fat and happy right now is a good thing!

Their neighbor had sent along a very pretty iris for her room and here is an image of it along with one of only Mom. She was making a funny face for the flower shot, but I took it anyhow.

Every time I see my Mother, she seems to be doing better, but I know the road to recovery will be a long one. This is to be expected, I guess. She has not lost her sense of humor though and this is a good thing. I love to help her find her smile and even chuckle at a silly comment.

I think she understands that a very serious thing happened and is a little concerned about. We have talked about it a little, trying to fathom what's going on. I have told her that people who know more about this than me are all working on a way to get her home and she needs to be patient with everyone and listen to what they say.

I am hopeful she heard what I was trying to say.

I love you Mother, please let us help you.

olc

PS forgive any typos, It's been my  long day but I wanted to get this posted tonight.

 

Our next step

"We" moved Mom to Stone Creek and she seems to be doing well.

But before I start with that part of the saga, I want to talk about her stay at St. Joseph's.

Last Monday, when she got hurt-fell down-we were confident that everything would work itself out and life would return to our version of normal the next day. Reality began to set in on Tuesday.

When I was finally able to get to the hospital, I found out that she had been moved to another room and floor. The staff on the 8th floor handled my confusion well, I guess they had experience in this sort of thing. I found the 9th floor nursing station and made my way to Mom's room, she was struggling to get out of her bed. This is of course, was a bad thing.

About the time I got there Nancy Harrison, a very good friend of Mom and Dad's came 'a visitin'. Nancy and I were able to calm her down while I explained that maybe she should relax and let her body heal.

I tried explaining that she had been hurt recently and needed to get repaired. However, my mother is a very stubborn person and persisted in trying to get out of her bed. I did not want to force her stay in bed, so I struggled to convince her that very smart people thought she should remain in bed. It is difficult to convince some one to remain some place which they do not want to be and to them is not really.

With Nancy's help, Mom began to relax and we were able to get her settled again.

After all the excitement of getting her settled, Nancy had to go. It was nice to see her, and she was invaluable with her help. 

Mom and I talked some, though it was hard to follow her thread. She was very interested in letting me know her opinion on the coming election. She is not too fond of Donald Trump. And to my surprise she was very critical of President Obama. The points she was making all tracked in a logical way.

I had been there for a long time and needed to get home to my kid and feed her. I felt very fortunate when I saw Dad coming into the room. He and I talked a minute. I let him know about Mom's need to get out of bed. I also said that she was having a hard time realizing where she was.

Both Dad and I were concerned about this. It turns out that our fears were unfounded.

The reality of the situation was beginning to make itself know to me. This is not going to be a couple of days and back to status quo. We may never get back to our normal. 

Though she is struggling to understand what has happened, every day I see improvement. Mom is significantly stronger than Tuesday and Wednesday, both physically and mentally. Our road to recovery will be a long one, maybe to the end, but my mother is doing well. She is an emotionally strong person and an example which I hope to follow. 

olc

Mom's trip to the hospital

Dad cooked a roasted Boston Butt last Sunday and wanted the Runtyun and me to have half. Yummy, he does Boston Butt good! So, I called late in the afternoon on Monday to let him know I was coming over to collect my prize.

He had just gotten home from a short shopping trip but was ready or me to come by. We kept talking a minute, then I heard a thud and a whimpering groan. Though he does not remember it, Dad said, "Oh no, Mother has fallen," and hung up. 

Ten minutes later, I was at the door. Two Biltmore Police vehicles were outside. I walked into the house to be greeted by an officer who politely asked who I was. I identified myself. The officer enquired of my father if I was who I claimed, again with a smile, yet with an underlying sense of urgency.

Mom had tangled her feet while trying to get to the phone to say hi to me. She was lying on the floor, one shoe across the room the other tangled between her feet. Her arm was twisted in a funny way, but she did not complain of pain. 

She had hit her head and was bleeding a little from the gash. When I asked if she wanted a pillow top support her head, she said no. You wanna know why? Because she did not want to stain it! I got her one but protected it with a wad of tissues.

When the ambulance arrived, my mother was more interested in learning the guys names than her physical condition. "What are your names and why are you here?"

These two EMTs were gentle and understanding. When mom, or me interrupted them they patiently answered our questions, no matter how many times the same question was asked. This is one of the first times I have had dealings with professional emergency technicians and if these guys are any example of the quality of personnel, I think we are all in good hands.

I know a couple of people who work for the Mission Hospital system, most have little good to any about their employer, however every time I have any dealings with them, I am impressed with their skill and compassion.

Here is a picture of her in the ER

Though Mom was relegated to a hallway station in the Emergency Room, she was well taken care of. My only complaint was that Dad, The Runtyun and me could not sit with her. Dad and I had to play tag team in order to sit with her. Maybe it worked best for all, mostly because every half hour or so, Dad and I had to get up and move a little, thus braking the monotony of hospital waiting rooms. The Runtyun had to sit and endure though. She never complained at least not until her phone needed a charge.

After only a few hours, Mom was moved to a room where she would stay the night. She seemed to be handling it pretty well. She gashed her left orbital, right by her temple, pretty well and bruised her left shoulder nicely, but it looked like she had not gotten hurt too badly---no broken bones, what a relief!

More coming.

Good bye, My Friend

My head is all spinning around. I'm not even close to relapsing, yet every day I have to remind myself not to go out and get some crack and a stem and a screen. It has become a habit, almost a ritual mental dance. Kinda like the habit that changed my life so many years ago.

A friend failed to go through his ritual. I noticed his behavior was changing a little while ago, but I said nothing. This is a guilt I will have to reconcile. I think the most obvious clue was his restarting smoking cigarettes. Restarting smoking seems to be an indicator, to me at least, of a pending or current relapse. I will learn this lesson and maybe in the future...

There is so much flying around my head right now, my fingers cannot even keep up with the whirlwind. Sometimes I can catch a nugget and put words to the torrent swirling around my cavernous brain. Mostly though, I stare at this screen trying to figure it all out.

I am angry at this man for giving in to his desire. I am a little envious too.

WHAT!? You say. How can you possibly be envious for a fallen soul who resides in a very difficult place right now? 

It is hard to explain, but I'll try. There is something about the artificially, chemically produced euphoria that is so very compelling. One does not need to do anything to get there, merely light a match, or cut a line or what ever, to find it. It is a simple, quick rapture that transcends understanding. Yet its' siren song for some, cannot be blocked by blinders and earplugs. The ropes that bind the addict to the mast of abstinence provides little restraint. 

He gave in to that desire one time and it was on. His restricting ropes slipped and he gradually lost his center. How could he let that happen? He has so much going for him. He is smart and competent, good looking, has a girlfriend and kids to help guide him. Yet, he chose to poison it all. I ask again, "How could this happen?!" 

---Our society demands that a man take are of his weaknesses without complaining.---

Could he have been thinking he could handle it? His ego told him he could. Maybe, he thought he could do a little now and then and maintain, but he woke up one morning with a little left over from last night. He may have been proud of himself for not doing ALL of it. So naturally, he decided to celebrate by finishing the left-over poison .

This may have happened a couple of times...after all the boost first thing in the morning helped to take the edge off, right? After a bit, he could have bought more of it so he could have a little more in the morning---just to take the edge off, you know, right?

There probably was a moment or two when he saw what was happening, and tried to get it under control. Yet, the end was already written when he took that first hit and succumbed to the need for the second.

My friend has made a choice, yet it was one that gradually, compellingly grew. To some it was a logical step, one after another, leading to this inevitable place in his life. To others, the steps he took were totally the wrong road.

The thinking goes something like this, "I can handle this. Oh, just a little more will make everything better." Any one who is out there and gone through this process understands---it never does get better. We can convince ourselves other wise, yet the truth and circumstances ALWAYS prove otherwise.

When I first heard about this tragedy, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I almost fell to the ground with pain. It was in a text, informing us of an major upheaval in our world.

My first thought was, "Why didn't I do something about it? I could have stopped it in it's tracks." Then I realized that thinking was fallacy. In truth, we all go down our own road, no matter what influences we have. Lord knows, I took mine and there was no one going to tell me different.

His road has taken him down a far more difficult journey than mine. I hope he can find his way to a better end-location. I'll be there if he can accept me for the man I am. I'll still be there even if he doesn't understand my place and how I might help. 

Update: Last Monday, the people who know him best, realized the injuries he suffered were too profound for recovery. A very tough decision was made and the magical machines that were keeping his body functioning were disconnected. His body fought for nearly 15 hours. Finally, the inevitable  happened and his body expired.

You will be missed, my friend.

Neil.

olc