My head is all spinning around. I'm not even close to relapsing, yet every day I have to remind myself not to go out and get some crack and a stem and a screen. It has become a habit, almost a ritual mental dance. Kinda like the habit that changed my life so many years ago.
A friend failed to go through his ritual. I noticed his behavior was changing a little while ago, but I said nothing. This is a guilt I will have to reconcile. I think the most obvious clue was his restarting smoking cigarettes. Restarting smoking seems to be an indicator, to me at least, of a pending or current relapse. I will learn this lesson and maybe in the future...
There is so much flying around my head right now, my fingers cannot even keep up with the whirlwind. Sometimes I can catch a nugget and put words to the torrent swirling around my cavernous brain. Mostly though, I stare at this screen trying to figure it all out.
I am angry at this man for giving in to his desire. I am a little envious too.
WHAT!? You say. How can you possibly be envious for a fallen soul who resides in a very difficult place right now?
It is hard to explain, but I'll try. There is something about the artificially, chemically produced euphoria that is so very compelling. One does not need to do anything to get there, merely light a match, or cut a line or what ever, to find it. It is a simple, quick rapture that transcends understanding. Yet its' siren song for some, cannot be blocked by blinders and earplugs. The ropes that bind the addict to the mast of abstinence provides little restraint.
He gave in to that desire one time and it was on. His restricting ropes slipped and he gradually lost his center. How could he let that happen? He has so much going for him. He is smart and competent, good looking, has a girlfriend and kids to help guide him. Yet, he chose to poison it all. I ask again, "How could this happen?!"
---Our society demands that a man take are of his weaknesses without complaining.---
Could he have been thinking he could handle it? His ego told him he could. Maybe, he thought he could do a little now and then and maintain, but he woke up one morning with a little left over from last night. He may have been proud of himself for not doing ALL of it. So naturally, he decided to celebrate by finishing the left-over poison .
This may have happened a couple of times...after all the boost first thing in the morning helped to take the edge off, right? After a bit, he could have bought more of it so he could have a little more in the morning---just to take the edge off, you know, right?
There probably was a moment or two when he saw what was happening, and tried to get it under control. Yet, the end was already written when he took that first hit and succumbed to the need for the second.
My friend has made a choice, yet it was one that gradually, compellingly grew. To some it was a logical step, one after another, leading to this inevitable place in his life. To others, the steps he took were totally the wrong road.
The thinking goes something like this, "I can handle this. Oh, just a little more will make everything better." Any one who is out there and gone through this process understands---it never does get better. We can convince ourselves other wise, yet the truth and circumstances ALWAYS prove otherwise.
When I first heard about this tragedy, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I almost fell to the ground with pain. It was in a text, informing us of an major upheaval in our world.
My first thought was, "Why didn't I do something about it? I could have stopped it in it's tracks." Then I realized that thinking was fallacy. In truth, we all go down our own road, no matter what influences we have. Lord knows, I took mine and there was no one going to tell me different.
His road has taken him down a far more difficult journey than mine. I hope he can find his way to a better end-location. I'll be there if he can accept me for the man I am. I'll still be there even if he doesn't understand my place and how I might help.
Update: Last Monday, the people who know him best, realized the injuries he suffered were too profound for recovery. A very tough decision was made and the magical machines that were keeping his body functioning were disconnected. His body fought for nearly 15 hours. Finally, the inevitable happened and his body expired.
You will be missed, my friend.
Neil.
olc
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