Loses

     Let me relate something that happened the other day.

     Yesterday and the day before were kinda ugly. Saturday started OK. I got over to the house to work on Lauren's room. I started doing my work, but after a minute I realized I needed to  go to the store for something. The bike died on the way.

     Trying to explain why the bike was not working is never an easy task. They do not accept it is not working and need details that are beyond my ability to explain. When I get into the technical stuff they get lost, maybe because I am not really sure what the real issue is. LOL.

     I went back to work on the basement. I accomplished a good bit of work down there. Yey! But the bike was still disabled.

     On Sunday morning I went back to the bike to get it going. I did a little research on the problem and felt confidant. Confidence like arrogance, in this case anyhow, is a false sense if security.

     The issues were more then a street side fix could deal with, so I began to make arrangements to get the bike to the house. It was time to get back to work on the basement. Five hours later I was tired and ready to go home. However, I needed to sit with the 'rents and talk a minute. Or I thought I should.

     We talked about the project. Then the issue of what to do about the bike came up.












     I will not quote the conversation here, but suffice it to say that I explained the situation clearly and what steps I planned to remedy it...Three times.

     After the fourth time I explained what was going to happen, I got the question, "Who is your daughters' boy friend?" I had hoped he could help me to move the bike to a safe place.

     I was too tired to suppress my frustration. I explained, one more time, the details of the problem and what I planned to do about it. Unfortunately my frustration came through and everyone on the room felt it.

     Now I feel really badly about my outburst.

     On the way home that night, I tried to deconstruct my feelings as inadequacy. Boy are there so many.

     I love my mother and have always admired her intelligence and her focus. To see her age  is difficult. Yet perhaps what I am seeing is the culmination of her lifelong tendency to question everything.

     She has always asked insightful questions, most of the time they could lead to a way of seeing an issue from a different point of view. Now however, her need to look out side-of-the box was getting in the way of her life.

     More importantly though, was my reaction to her need for detail. Even though I had given all of the data several times, she could not hold it in her fragile, yet fruitful brain.

     I lost my cool and took out some of my frustration on her. For this I feel tremendous guilt. But I took to it another level. Why did I react so strongly to her repeated questions?

      Well one reason was having to repeat the same info several times. There is no doubt that it is difficult to have to go back and reiterate the some information many times, especially when one has taken care to give every bit of information the first several times.

     There was more to it than that though. Fear. Fear of loosing her. And fear of my inability to rise above my petty weakness and weariness and inability to truly understand what this wonderful woman is going through.

     I cannot even imagine how she is dealing with her mental decline. For sure, she knows her ability to think things through is lessening. I have not ever been a mental giant, but to feel what little mental ability I have slip through my fingers never to be scooped up again from the beach of life, is a daunting thought, to say the least.

olc

Mom's Journey

Wow, I have been focusing my energies on this new project recently and completely ignoring ones which were already going on!

As you know, because you the reader are so loyal to this blog, I have been working on a new blog centered around the Greenhouse Moto Cafe, go on over and have a look. Also, my mother took a fall awhile ago and had to spend a long time at Stone Creek Rehab.

She is a tough old bird, I only hope I am as strong as her when I get there. When she was admitted to Stone Creek, she was awake and could hold a conversation. However, we all knew something was not quite right with her ability to think a thought through to its logical end. Also physically, the bruise on her left temple was still pretty profound and her left arm and shoulder were and are still incredibly weak.

When Mom was released from Stone Creek, both her and Dad were emotionally ready for it. I wonder if their need to "get home where she belongs," may have been premature from a physical therapy point of view. She is so weak.

At any rate though, she is at home and seems to be happier. Their church community brings dinner over for the next little bit, thus letting the two of them get settled into a routine. And there are lots of people coming and going, trying to establish a health program to help maintain Mom's (wait for it!)...Health! 

However, Mom and Dad want to live a quiet life with little distraction. For the moment though, this is not happening.

Dad and I talked a little about his concerns. If the conversation had a title it would have been, Concerns of the Primary Care Giver. Mostly I think, he just needed to let off some steam. He let me know that the invasion of their house was taking a toll on him. I could see it on his face, feel it in his body. After we had talked it through some, a light bulb lit over my head.

The truth is, I was not sure if he just needed to vent, or if he was looking for solutions for his angst. Being a fixer, I took a leap and tried to help him to ease into the new life style they are shifting into. Dad has a number of concerns which he mentioned, but the most important seemed to be the constant, almost revolving door-like, flow of new people who need to come in and help Mom. The perceived demands of the care-givers; when could they come by and help; the fact that these care-givers were giving both Mom and Dad directions on how to live and so forth, was taking a severe  toll on Dad.

After some more conversation, I realized that maybe they needed one day off from the physical therapy, the constant visits from car-givers, the woman, Carol is her name, who is helping Mom with her day to day routine and so forth. They need a day off from it all. They need some predictability in their daily life. I suggested they tell the world that Thursday would be their day, no appointments, no visits, no nothing.

I'm hoping Dad will be able to enforce this.

I wish I was able to say all is well in House Turner. There have been some profound changes in their life, ones which will forever impact them and their style of life. Mom is weaker than I have ever seen her. And Dad will have to learn how to compensate. Saying that, Dad is not 70 any more and is beginning to feel the limitations of nearly 90 years of living on this Earth. It is hard for them to accept help from anyone. After all, they have been doing fine over these many years, right?

I will play my role, as will Martha, and assist in every way I can.

I love you Mom and respect your fortitude. Dad, your quiet strength is so understated that sometimes we just accept it without understanding the toll it takes on you.


olc

An Amazing Moment

I have been going to the local (franchised) Bagel shop for a long time now. One of the reasons I go to this specific place is because it is close to the Cathedral where my beautiful Runtyun sings for the choir. 

I have stated many times my opinion of the filter of organized religion on this and other places, so I will not do so again at this time. However, there is no denying the wonderful things parishioners have done because their God has deemed it right. The music alone, the way it wafts through the air and messages the ear is proof enough that a god exists and has direct control of our lives.

But, this is a discussion for another day. 

As I was saying, I was sitting at the shop when a wonderful lady walked in, in tow was an incredible little redheaded munchkin. I know it is corning, but this child is amazing. She is sweet and has not been infected by the cynicism so pervasive in more mature folk.

This corny little child saw me and my iPad the moment she walked in, yet she was smart. She waited for awhile before coming over to me. Eventually though, I saw from the corner of my eye a shadow slinking in my direction. I ignored her.

After all, I was in the middle of something. This logic did not work for an intrepid 2 1/2 year old with corn husk hair. She reached out to touch my computing space. I looked her in the eye and said that I was kinda busy, could she please wait a minute while I finished what I was doing.

Kids are wonderful beings, she persisted in trying to get my attention. I promised her that I would talk in a minute, but to please let me finish. I am not sure how she took it, but she left me with a smile that lightened my heart for a moment.

I finished what I was doing and found an image of an african dwarf frog and pulled it up. There was a movie too. My Runtyun had just invited two of these frogs into her aquarium. 

All of a sudden, through the corner of my eye there was a familiar shadow.

"Frog! Ribbit, ribbit!"

Being kind of a dolt, I was not sure what this amazing child knew, so I let her tell me what she wanted. She wanted to explore. Somehow she knew that my electronic thing could bridge gaps, bringing fun things to her. I don't think she had the sophisticated thinking to know how the flow of knowledge  my iPad could open for her. But her eyes filled with excitement when she looked at the screen and I felt her rush of excitement and wanted to help her find the wonders of the world.

At one point, she looked me in the eye and said, "Push Button?" her finger lingered over the home button. I ignored it, but she persisted. "OK, " I said. The light of happiness flashed through her pretty pink cheeks. Her eyes opened even wider when the screen changed to the home screen. She giggled. 

We played Clumsy Ninja until it was time for her to go. She could not read the instructions, but learned what to do when I told her. Her attending adults gathered around and watched for a moment. Her Mother said it was time to go and I saw this amazing child's resistance to leave this moment of excitement, and I hoped, learning. I looked at her and saw her amazing excitement and promised we would see each other again.

olc

O Woe is Me

So, I am sitting here at some restaurant on Hilliard St., waiting for the van to get fixed again. Rolling around Western North Carolina I must have picked up a nail. I tried to pull it out and patch it myself, but...no joy. To justify my inablility to fix this BS tire thing, I saw the gage of the nail was really big and thought that any plug I put in would be blown out by tire pressure at some point in the near future.

I walked around downtown a little then found a place that with chicken wings and other stuff to eat and good beer. The truth is, I have been stewing around in a self inflicted depression and frustration. I really want to be doing so many other things in my life than delivering shit to people whom I don't know and really don't care about.

I try to find meaning in delivering critical medical supplies to people. However, anyone could and can do it, I am doing nothing unique.

Yet I am sitting in this place and finding myslef fighting to stay depressed. One wonders why I could even thank that silly thought: fighting to stay depressed. It seems that I dwell on the negatives in my life; my lack of cognitive ability, my lousy memory. My powers of observation and search are woefully deficient. Decision making skills, what are they, I can't remeber? When I have a choice to make and little information, I invariably make the wrong one.

"Not all of your choices have been the best," said my father at his most diplomatic.

Actually, I had a really  tough start to the day and I have had some difficulty shaking it all off. I had to find a box in the warehouse and could not. The box was there, I even looked at it, but could not see the information I needed. I ended up having to go back to the warehouse, thus the whole off and behind schedule. needless to say the morning went downhill from there. 

I was able to shake the stink of failure off after a few hours, and had a fairly good afternoon, yet the cloud over my head would not disperse. Then I picked up a nail in one tire. This is not entirely true, the nail was in the tire for a couple of days and I chose to deal with it today.

I went to the store to get some patches and do the deed myself. Well, it turns out those things don't really work for a vehicle like mine. I got the stuff anyhow and proceeded to try and pull the nail. After five minutes of knuckle busting and cursing, I realzed that it was not gonna happen. So I admitted defeat and made my way to the shop where the dude had it all better in no time.

Once again defeat in the face of better discretion.

I have been stewing all day long and my feelings of frustration have been simmering along nicely. Yet the combination of music, beer and the world around me just would not let me stay in my molassas drenched morass. Despite my every effort, I am rising like little a feeble Phoenix in to a happy place.

The Runtyun worries about my drinking too much beer and the truth is there may be something to worry about if one looks at the dark past that hangs over my very being like the dark clouds of tragic thunderstorm threatening to blow all the good in my life away. Yet the two beers I enjoyed worked to relax me enough to find a smile without having to dig too deeply.

Now, I am on the way to get my Runtyun after choir with a glint in my eye trying to escape.

Damn, I had such a good stew cooking and it is ruined by happy thoughts!

olc

A LITTLE LATER WITH SOME PERSPECTIVE

A friend and I talked the other day. She was having troubles with her car and her former BF and needed to vent. I have always liked her and wondered what it would be like to spend a minute with her. But mostly, I just wanted to help her through a shitty moment.

I listened to what she had to say and sympathized. I tried to ease her down the road to Recovery(?), because that was the roll she needed me to play. After a time she invited me to her birthday celebration. Knowing it was a good ride away and might cause some family strife, I said sure and we would iron out the details when we got to Blue Ridge, GA. The Runtyun and I packed up the bike and set out for the 3 hour trek.

The Grinner, this is what I call my Motorcycle for those who do not know already, only gets 80 to 90 miles on a tank of gas. This translates to about 33mpg. The truth is this works out pretty well for this old guy. About the time the bike runs out of gas, I need to walk around to Un-kink my weary old back.

Our first stop, though not for gas, was at Smokey Mountain Steel Horse. The Grinner needs new plugs and the shop is right off the highway. They are an independent shop now selling new Indians and Victory Bikes. To my knowledge, they are the only dealer that does that in the region. I wish them luck. 

Having said that, their parts department could use a little work. It took them 20 minutes to figure out what spark plug The Grinner needed and then they even gave me the wrong ones, a miss matched set. I had planned on putting the new plugs in after we had gotten to Jennifer's. No such luck.

The rest of the ride was OK though almost all highway miles. The Runtyun never complained, however she let me know when she needed to get off and stretch out. It is rather tiring to ride for a long distance. For those who have not had the opportunity to do it you would be surprised. Even the kid said something like, "Who would have thought it could be so tiring?"

Needless to say, the final ride up to the place was on a newly pebbled road that was (How do I relate) FUN to ride. Can you say gravelly and not very well travelled?Finally, we arrived at the house for the stay-over and walked into a house of tension. 

There were dogs to defuse antipathy and kids for the Runtyun to be with. My friend still has this smile and twinkle in her eye that lights up a room, so I enjoyed the moment for seeing a friend.

We talked about nothing in particular and ate BBQ for supper, then watched some TV, the kids wallowed in the hot-tub. One of them, who was 7 years old seemed to live for time in the hot tube. The girl was 10, and the sweetest thing.

My friend and I talked a little, it seemed like superficial topics, but nothing important. As the evening moved along I began to feel a little abandoned. Every time I looked at my friend, she was looking somewhere else. I wondered at one point if she understood what it took for me to get over to her so she could have a friend nearby.

Finally, my friend said she was going to bed, and I took that lead and announced my intention to do the same. I dragged the Runtyun to our assigned room. And tried to sleep. It is a little difficult to sleep when channel surfing. Finally, I turned the off the TV and rolled over, almost falling off the skinny twin bed.

The next morning finally dawned, and I rolled out of bed, on purpose this time.

I enjoyed the incredible view the porch offered, regretting the screening making decent pictures impossible. Yet looking out over the woods leading to Blue Ridge Lake, the clouds were white and gray and broken by mountain tops. As the sun rose it moved along warming the day so the morning ground covering mist undulated revealing glimpses of mountain forests and wisps of the lake…

"Neil, Would you mind going to the store and getting some eggs for our pancakes?" Actually, I wanted to get some writing in.

She saw my hesitation and misunderstanding my pause and said I could take her car. I said, “What can I get for ya'?"

I got the bike started and rolled down the dirt-gravel road and started out on this part of the adventure. The Grinner fishtailed and spluttered with the old plugs all the way up the rain drenched road. I got the groceries and turned around to the cabin stewing in my brain.

A little bit into this part of the journey, I started to think about my friend in the cabin and how she always seems to find the bright side of everything. I knew I had to get out of this dark place I found myself in.

I let the engine of the Grinner fill me and relax my shoulders a little. The engine, seemingly of it own will growled a little lower and louder, the tires rolled a little faster. The curves got a little steeper and a slight grin spread across my frowning maw.

The turn to the dirt road came too soon for me, but the Grinner turned obediently in and we started up the gravely road. It seemed to me the Grinner felt the same about the road as I did, because it groaned and moaned all the way up. It spluttered and choked and began to fowl. I had to rev a little to clear its throat, again that smile as the thunder filled the air around us.

Bacon, pancakes and sausage where on the table in no time. Maple syrup and fake butter filled our tummy's. When we sated our hunger, I pulled and gapped the Grinners plug's. After cleaning them, they went back in and she fired up! She sounded throaty and powerful and ready to leave this beautiful place.

About that time Humphrey needed to go out and do his thing. He is the Boston Terrier of the animal menagerie and the coolest of the lot. Across the road, incredibly enough, were two other Boston Terriers. Who could imagine that! Well, the three guys had to show each other who was who. I am not sure who won that confrontation. All I got out of it was a lot of growling, screeching and running black and white little beasties. Again a little smile slipped across my face.

I spent a minute packing the bike and said our good byes. The bike merely needed me to pay a little attention to it, because she started up and grumbled and roared her happy relief to be rolling again. I wish people could be so easily gratified. We said our goodbyes and put it all behind us.

The ride back was more of the same, long roads at highway speeds. We found ourselves in the Nantahala Gorge and a little hungry. No luck there though, so we rode on down to Bryson City and a pizza place. The Runtyun said she was not really hungry, so I had an antipasto salad and water. I changed my mind though and ordered a Peach Sangria. 

The salad was OK, but the Sangria finally nudged me into my happy place. Nothing had really changed, but I found my smile. I had my kid, the bike was running well, the sky was blue and I was able to put all of my concerns aside and focus on the road ahead. 

It never ceases to amaze me the ability of a ride to clear one's head of all the Bullshit we let fill it. I felt the wind and heard the engine. My little girl was holding on and trusting her father to take care of her. I felt good about life.

Nothing much else happened for the rest of the ride except the Grinner amazed me and went nearly 100 miles on the last tank. We went to reserve  at some point and I wondered if we could make it home.

We did make it! I have to say, I was relieved. After filling the tank with 3.25 gallons of gas, (its capacity is 3.3 gallons) I realized there were merely ounces left in the tank. She held out for us in that run to home.

So that was our adventure of the Labor Day weekend. I hope every one else had one that was as full as ours.

olc

Father's Day

I just posted on my blog A Daddy Grows up. http://adaddygrowsup.blogspot.com/  Have a look and let me know what you think.

Super Moon

A Daddy grows up has another fun and insightful post. Have a look! Check it out at  http://adadgrowsup.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/super-moon/

there are pictures too!