Motivation-or the struggle to find it

     The other day I posted on FB, "I cannot even find motivation in my daughters eyes any more." There may have been some alcohol fuelling that statement, but I have found mind altering chemicals tend to augment, not create emotions.

     A good friend saw the post and expressed her concern. I told her that I was suffering from Diarrhea finger ... Just a bunch of shit flowing through my fingers onto the screen. She also suggested I might want to re-invent myself.

     Another friend suggested I spend more time writing. She said I might find my muse (not her words, but I took it that way).

     The best idea, and most undoable was to take a mini-vaca. Oh, that would be so nice, hop on The Grinner with only my camera and iPad...

     Well, the last one is most appealing because it encompasses the first two ideas and I get riding time! Unfortunately, the Grinner is broke down, and the daily grind will not allow me time to fix it.

     My friend Sheila, who is a writer/entertainer, had a great idea---write. All is takes is time and a little imagination. Well, I have the little imagination part down pat. Actually, I brought out an old story and restarted working it again, due to her suggestion. I plan on continuing it.

     About reinventing myself, you ask? I have tried that a few times and it never really works out well. Instead of evolving up, I seem to fall backward in the material world. Though my head, soul, or mind...whatever term you use to define ones' the essential being, has grown in very fulfilling ways.

     Fulfilling the material needs seems to get worse. The truth is, I have never really been finically solvent. But there was I time when I was able to pay all my debts and even have some left over for savings and A little fun.

     Nowadays, not so much.

     I just need to dig a little harder and find my muse---again.

olc

And the Road Continues

     My wonderful Runtyun has been helping Kyle out at the Cathedral during Music Camp for the past week. What a great way for her to start off her summer vacation! It has been a bit of a challenge getting her to and from Camp, mostly where to go after each day is complete. Her grandfather has been a tremendous amount of help. Thanks Dad.

     However, yesterday at 2:45 he called me and said he would not be able pick her up due to Mom's falling and not feeling so well. Well as you might expect, this bit of information started a whole bunch of balls rolling.

     As it turns out, Mom is OK. She was discharged from the ER around 10 last night. Being 92 we all were concerned for her health and safety, but it turns out we all overreacted.

     And now the complexity of our road to recovery and quality of life for Mother's remaining days is becoming more interesting.

olc

On our way home, but what about her?

Something just happened which I need to relate and get off my chest.

The Runtyun and I had just finished having lunch with the Grands and Martha. It was the first time Mother had been able to have lunch outside of her rehab facility since her accident. Lunch went well, the food was good and the family time will last in my memory for a long lasting and pleasant smile.

As all things must do, our time came to an end, Mom had to go back and relax, and the Runtyun and I found our way to a store for clothes. (Imagine that!) No luck on the buying front, but this is expected when we go clothes shopping.

However, as we were pulling into the store I noticed a lady going in with clothes to trade, she looked like she was carrying more weight on her shoulders then the pile in her arms. I thought nothing about it because the place accepts consignments. Well, after a few minutes of waiting for the Runtyun to find something, she came to me and no said there was nothing for her right now, so we left. 

I noticed the lady I just mentioned was out by her car too. Not paying much attention to her I kept walking. As I walked past her car though, I saw a sign that said "Victim of abuse." There was more printed on the sign, but my eye was drawn to the woman. She was crying.

I have to admit that I almost kept going.

But I turned around and called out to her. She turned to me balling her eyes out, her tears flowing from the release of emotion which she failed to control. After some time she was able to communicate that her boyfriend was going to hurt her and she had to leave. She was at this store trying to get some gas money.

It turns out this woman lives a ways from here. How she got to Asheville, I do not know. I think maybe, she just got in her car trying to save herself from another beating and is stranded here with no money or friends.

The woman was truly distraught and my heart needed to help in some way. I told her she was welcome to come over to our place for a minute until she felt strong enough to do something. I gave her my contact info in case she decided to take us up on the offer. Truly, I don't think I will ever hear from her, but I had to do something.

I wanted to do more than offer help. But she was running from a man and I feared my helping would only make things worse for her. I did not push anymore. 

She has my phone number and if she calls I will answer and give whatever aid I can. But some how, I feel I could have done more.

As the Runtyun and I were driving home, I could not stop thinking about this poor woman. I think though, when one offers to help, and genuinely wants to do the right thing, and the offer is declined, one should walk away and know they have done the right thing.

I just hate thinking that she will have no place safe go to tonight. Maybe I could have been more persuasive.

olc

Sometimes I get on the Grinner and nothing really happens. I just don't get the thrill of riding. Yes, I feel the wind in my face, the power of Milwaukee Iron, even the flow of the road beneath my tires bringing me to nirvana…kinda. Yet the thrill, the energy just does not envelop me. I’ll feel refreshed, a little, yet not rejuvenated.

Yesterday was an example of this syndrome. I hopped on the bike and went to the places I wanted. However, I felt nothing extraordinary. It was more like a chore instead of a pleasure. The bike handled well, the roads were open enough for me to have a little fun, but I asked myself, “Why am I out here, what's the purpose of this ride?” I got home feeling better than when I had left, yet kinda unfulfilled. I felt like I had wasted a couple hours even though I had spent them riding. It was all good though—I got a really good night's sleep.

Today though, it was all paid up in full. The Runtyun was not feeling so well, but I asked her if she wanted to ride—to go anyhow. The couch was more important to her than riding on the back of the Grinner. I guess I can understand, she was sick with a sore throat and recovering from a night at the State Fair.

I went anyhow.

I had a plan too. There is a road I have been wondering about. I wanted to see where it was going to take me. Like so many avenues in life it went around and about taking me on a circuitous route back to the main road, yet going no place further than I started. I began to wonder if this ride was going to end the same was as yesterdays...satisfied yet unsatiated. 

I decided to stop at Dugan's Pub in Brevard and put some food in my gullet. Sometimes food will help to elevate my mood (something about low blood sugar levels). I left that place feeling the adventure ahead, and the road was my vehicle to an adrenaline rush.

To get home, I could go the straight forward  way which would take about 45 minutes, or I could go up the Blueridge Parkway and see what the foliage was like, not to mention I would take rt. 276 up there.

Now this access road to the Parkway, which is a dream for any one who has ever ridden a bike was in front of me, and waiting. It is about 5 or 6 miles long and when there are few cars on it the riding is FUN! 

It has been awhile since I have ridden my Sportster the way it was designed to go, but the waiting was over. on this ride she rode like a 14 years' midnight dream...fast and uncontrolled. It slipped into and out of curves and twits with the thrill of long awaited kisses.

The few four wheeled cages ahead of us slipped behind us like a hand caressing a discarded lovers behind. Cast away while looking for the next conquest.

I have ridden this road numerous times and have always enjoyed it…every single time. This time though may have been the best ever. Maybe it was the combination of the first time out, few cars and something I just cannot define...a feeling of unity with the bike…the road and maybe a feeling of satisfaction knowing I had finally gotten the bike going and roaring her satisfaction.

The bike slid into turns, and flew out. It pushed me back off the saddle leaving switchback turns, and pulled from the handle bars all the while breaking into the next. I was able to look around, a little, and enjoy the river and some waterfalls. Mostly though, I felt the wind in my face and saw the clouds and blue sky above…my destination.

As all things in life though, this part of the journey had to end. The entrance to the Parkway came alone a little sooner than I wanted. I knew it was inevitable though and accepted the end of this part of the journey. 

The Parkway is always beautiful even though I knew that the colors were not at peak. I really wanted to feel the flow of the nature and the road while enjoying whatever she had to offer. The open sky above and landscape below filled my eyes with beauty and grandeur only Mother Nature can create. The greens of the trees speckled with orange, yellow and the bright reds of maples filled part of my vision. While the deep blue sky and pure white cumulus clouds distracted me from the road ahead.

I quickly found it again though, the road that is, but cars began to slow me down. They were a mere flick of the throttle—away and gone. I began to let the excitement of the ride up here slip away. Above me was an eagle, or hawk, soaring. Another car slowed my progress, I pulled in the clutch and felt the momentum slide away. A tunnel ahead and the car and I flowed through it. 

A dropped gear and a flick of the wrist and the car was in my mirror…where it belonged. The Grinner knew where to go and I began to soar with the bird above.

Miles later, I came back to the Grinner, a grin on my face the likes of which rivaled the flaming sun. My friend, the hawk, had drifted away and I had to pay attention to the cars in front.

Bikes were going up up toward…Mount Pisgah I guess, and I wondered if they were going to the same magical place I had just been through.

olc

O Woe is Me

So, I am sitting here at some restaurant on Hilliard St., waiting for the van to get fixed again. Rolling around Western North Carolina I must have picked up a nail. I tried to pull it out and patch it myself, but...no joy. To justify my inablility to fix this BS tire thing, I saw the gage of the nail was really big and thought that any plug I put in would be blown out by tire pressure at some point in the near future.

I walked around downtown a little then found a place that with chicken wings and other stuff to eat and good beer. The truth is, I have been stewing around in a self inflicted depression and frustration. I really want to be doing so many other things in my life than delivering shit to people whom I don't know and really don't care about.

I try to find meaning in delivering critical medical supplies to people. However, anyone could and can do it, I am doing nothing unique.

Yet I am sitting in this place and finding myslef fighting to stay depressed. One wonders why I could even thank that silly thought: fighting to stay depressed. It seems that I dwell on the negatives in my life; my lack of cognitive ability, my lousy memory. My powers of observation and search are woefully deficient. Decision making skills, what are they, I can't remeber? When I have a choice to make and little information, I invariably make the wrong one.

"Not all of your choices have been the best," said my father at his most diplomatic.

Actually, I had a really  tough start to the day and I have had some difficulty shaking it all off. I had to find a box in the warehouse and could not. The box was there, I even looked at it, but could not see the information I needed. I ended up having to go back to the warehouse, thus the whole off and behind schedule. needless to say the morning went downhill from there. 

I was able to shake the stink of failure off after a few hours, and had a fairly good afternoon, yet the cloud over my head would not disperse. Then I picked up a nail in one tire. This is not entirely true, the nail was in the tire for a couple of days and I chose to deal with it today.

I went to the store to get some patches and do the deed myself. Well, it turns out those things don't really work for a vehicle like mine. I got the stuff anyhow and proceeded to try and pull the nail. After five minutes of knuckle busting and cursing, I realzed that it was not gonna happen. So I admitted defeat and made my way to the shop where the dude had it all better in no time.

Once again defeat in the face of better discretion.

I have been stewing all day long and my feelings of frustration have been simmering along nicely. Yet the combination of music, beer and the world around me just would not let me stay in my molassas drenched morass. Despite my every effort, I am rising like little a feeble Phoenix in to a happy place.

The Runtyun worries about my drinking too much beer and the truth is there may be something to worry about if one looks at the dark past that hangs over my very being like the dark clouds of tragic thunderstorm threatening to blow all the good in my life away. Yet the two beers I enjoyed worked to relax me enough to find a smile without having to dig too deeply.

Now, I am on the way to get my Runtyun after choir with a glint in my eye trying to escape.

Damn, I had such a good stew cooking and it is ruined by happy thoughts!

olc

A LITTLE LATER WITH SOME PERSPECTIVE

A friend and I talked the other day. She was having troubles with her car and her former BF and needed to vent. I have always liked her and wondered what it would be like to spend a minute with her. But mostly, I just wanted to help her through a shitty moment.

I listened to what she had to say and sympathized. I tried to ease her down the road to Recovery(?), because that was the roll she needed me to play. After a time she invited me to her birthday celebration. Knowing it was a good ride away and might cause some family strife, I said sure and we would iron out the details when we got to Blue Ridge, GA. The Runtyun and I packed up the bike and set out for the 3 hour trek.

The Grinner, this is what I call my Motorcycle for those who do not know already, only gets 80 to 90 miles on a tank of gas. This translates to about 33mpg. The truth is this works out pretty well for this old guy. About the time the bike runs out of gas, I need to walk around to Un-kink my weary old back.

Our first stop, though not for gas, was at Smokey Mountain Steel Horse. The Grinner needs new plugs and the shop is right off the highway. They are an independent shop now selling new Indians and Victory Bikes. To my knowledge, they are the only dealer that does that in the region. I wish them luck. 

Having said that, their parts department could use a little work. It took them 20 minutes to figure out what spark plug The Grinner needed and then they even gave me the wrong ones, a miss matched set. I had planned on putting the new plugs in after we had gotten to Jennifer's. No such luck.

The rest of the ride was OK though almost all highway miles. The Runtyun never complained, however she let me know when she needed to get off and stretch out. It is rather tiring to ride for a long distance. For those who have not had the opportunity to do it you would be surprised. Even the kid said something like, "Who would have thought it could be so tiring?"

Needless to say, the final ride up to the place was on a newly pebbled road that was (How do I relate) FUN to ride. Can you say gravelly and not very well travelled?Finally, we arrived at the house for the stay-over and walked into a house of tension. 

There were dogs to defuse antipathy and kids for the Runtyun to be with. My friend still has this smile and twinkle in her eye that lights up a room, so I enjoyed the moment for seeing a friend.

We talked about nothing in particular and ate BBQ for supper, then watched some TV, the kids wallowed in the hot-tub. One of them, who was 7 years old seemed to live for time in the hot tube. The girl was 10, and the sweetest thing.

My friend and I talked a little, it seemed like superficial topics, but nothing important. As the evening moved along I began to feel a little abandoned. Every time I looked at my friend, she was looking somewhere else. I wondered at one point if she understood what it took for me to get over to her so she could have a friend nearby.

Finally, my friend said she was going to bed, and I took that lead and announced my intention to do the same. I dragged the Runtyun to our assigned room. And tried to sleep. It is a little difficult to sleep when channel surfing. Finally, I turned the off the TV and rolled over, almost falling off the skinny twin bed.

The next morning finally dawned, and I rolled out of bed, on purpose this time.

I enjoyed the incredible view the porch offered, regretting the screening making decent pictures impossible. Yet looking out over the woods leading to Blue Ridge Lake, the clouds were white and gray and broken by mountain tops. As the sun rose it moved along warming the day so the morning ground covering mist undulated revealing glimpses of mountain forests and wisps of the lake…

"Neil, Would you mind going to the store and getting some eggs for our pancakes?" Actually, I wanted to get some writing in.

She saw my hesitation and misunderstanding my pause and said I could take her car. I said, “What can I get for ya'?"

I got the bike started and rolled down the dirt-gravel road and started out on this part of the adventure. The Grinner fishtailed and spluttered with the old plugs all the way up the rain drenched road. I got the groceries and turned around to the cabin stewing in my brain.

A little bit into this part of the journey, I started to think about my friend in the cabin and how she always seems to find the bright side of everything. I knew I had to get out of this dark place I found myself in.

I let the engine of the Grinner fill me and relax my shoulders a little. The engine, seemingly of it own will growled a little lower and louder, the tires rolled a little faster. The curves got a little steeper and a slight grin spread across my frowning maw.

The turn to the dirt road came too soon for me, but the Grinner turned obediently in and we started up the gravely road. It seemed to me the Grinner felt the same about the road as I did, because it groaned and moaned all the way up. It spluttered and choked and began to fowl. I had to rev a little to clear its throat, again that smile as the thunder filled the air around us.

Bacon, pancakes and sausage where on the table in no time. Maple syrup and fake butter filled our tummy's. When we sated our hunger, I pulled and gapped the Grinners plug's. After cleaning them, they went back in and she fired up! She sounded throaty and powerful and ready to leave this beautiful place.

About that time Humphrey needed to go out and do his thing. He is the Boston Terrier of the animal menagerie and the coolest of the lot. Across the road, incredibly enough, were two other Boston Terriers. Who could imagine that! Well, the three guys had to show each other who was who. I am not sure who won that confrontation. All I got out of it was a lot of growling, screeching and running black and white little beasties. Again a little smile slipped across my face.

I spent a minute packing the bike and said our good byes. The bike merely needed me to pay a little attention to it, because she started up and grumbled and roared her happy relief to be rolling again. I wish people could be so easily gratified. We said our goodbyes and put it all behind us.

The ride back was more of the same, long roads at highway speeds. We found ourselves in the Nantahala Gorge and a little hungry. No luck there though, so we rode on down to Bryson City and a pizza place. The Runtyun said she was not really hungry, so I had an antipasto salad and water. I changed my mind though and ordered a Peach Sangria. 

The salad was OK, but the Sangria finally nudged me into my happy place. Nothing had really changed, but I found my smile. I had my kid, the bike was running well, the sky was blue and I was able to put all of my concerns aside and focus on the road ahead. 

It never ceases to amaze me the ability of a ride to clear one's head of all the Bullshit we let fill it. I felt the wind and heard the engine. My little girl was holding on and trusting her father to take care of her. I felt good about life.

Nothing much else happened for the rest of the ride except the Grinner amazed me and went nearly 100 miles on the last tank. We went to reserve  at some point and I wondered if we could make it home.

We did make it! I have to say, I was relieved. After filling the tank with 3.25 gallons of gas, (its capacity is 3.3 gallons) I realized there were merely ounces left in the tank. She held out for us in that run to home.

So that was our adventure of the Labor Day weekend. I hope every one else had one that was as full as ours.

olc

Things for Thanks

OK, so everyone says we need to count our blessing and not the things that bring us down. This is a good philosophy. This is my take on it.

The other day, the night before Thanksgiving as a matter of fact, the weather was foul, snow blew side ways, the road was getting icy and the sun was going away and I had 20 miles down a road a road that was dark and in bad shape. There was this delivery half way to Marshall and I had the pleasure of performing it.

I called the people at the house to find out if the conditions were good for the delivery and had a general idea on where to go. She said they were up the side of the mountain with the snow coming down, but thought it was OK. I was a little concerned about my van getting up to their place, but kept going. I finally made it to the gate guarding the residents within.

My van could not even get to the keypad to open the gate.

I called the people and explained my predicament. I did not relate my concern for getting home due to slippery roads. I managed a 5 point turnaround without slipping off the road. At last I was on the way home to a nice warm fire and my Runtyun.

 I was determined to get home in one piece, but I wanted to get there, so I went slowly and made it past cars that were not as cautious as me. The police, fire department and tow trucks were on scene so I felt no need to stop and help. 

After a while, after passing a few more cars parked on the side of the road, either waiting for the sand trucks to go by, or stuck due to icy conditions, I got behind a little red sedan. By now I was feeling confident in my ability to navigate the mess coming from the sky, but this guy was going so slow and I wanted to be home. He never got gong more than 20 mph and I wanted to go faster. I could feel the frustration building as the second hand kept going slower and slower.

Finally, I just let it all go. I felt my shoulders relax and I just understood that no matter how much I needed to go faster, it would not happen. I let my mind wonder. I remembered the whole thing about thinking positively and thanking the world for all of the good things in my life.

The first thing I thought of were my parents and the love that they show me, but my immediate response was how it sucked that I was so dependent on them for so much. Then I thought about my job, especially the way the world is, “I have a job!” Then I reminded myself about the money I owed my boss in order to keep making money for him. A little smile spread across my lips as I thought of a friend in Marietta. But that thought finished by remembering she is not feeling so well and I could do nothing to help her.

All the while, this idiot in front of me was going no-miles-an-hour and keeping me from getting home to my fire and Runtyun. We came to a steep downhill and the guy slipped a little and I realized there was ice under the snow making things even more precarious.

That is when I realized it, this guy in front of me may be going slow, making me frustrated yet he refused to go any faster, even when the road was straight and clear. This ass, who was going too slow for me, may have saved me from going too fast, and not making it home at all.

I was still frustrated by the weather and how slow he was going, but I was truly thankful he was there keeping me on the road and on my way home.

olc